ten years.

On the twenty-fifth of May, ten years ago, my world lost a very special person.  I cannot believe it has been ten years already. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I know exactly where I was when I got the phone call, I remember sliding to the floor in shock and I remember crying and crying and crying. I remember wondering how I was going to tell our friends who were out visiting, who came out for a good time, who were out picking up beer to get ready for a weekend of fun and partying. I remember the silent drive home knowing our lives were changed forever. I remember it all and it still hurts just as much as it did then.  I try to be  a “look on the bright side” kind of person, but this one was really hard. I know, that until the day I die, I will be able to recall both happy and sad memories of that time. 

We all grew up together in a small community and we all took his death hard. For most of us it was our first experience with death and it brought us together. I remember trying to come up with a way to make sense of it, we were all trying to make sense of it.  Some of our friends still haven’t been able to. We don’t talk about it, and if it does come up it ends in tears, with the pain of losing him just as strong for them as it was the day he left us. He had such a presence, was such a well known and loved person. I like to think that we are all here to accomplish something and once you have done what you need to do, you move on. That is how I feel about losing him, he did what he needed to do and it only took him 22 years. This is what I believe, this is what I have believed since that day 10 years ago. It makes sense to me.

I like to focus on the good times! He was young, but he lived, he really, really lived, always full tilt, always a smile, a kind word and a helping hand. There are no shortage of good memories, adventures and lots of funny times! Anytime you would get stuck (or anyone of us would get stuck) you could always call him and no matter what time of the day or night it was, he was always up for pulling someone out the mud (or snow)! I remember going on my first road trip away from home with him, with no parents! It was my 18^th birthday and since I couldn’t drink in Saskatchewan he drove us to Edmonton. It wasn’t just a trip to Edmonton though, everything with him was a special adventure and he always wanted to make sure to include the people he loved. We stayed with his mom, his sister came with us and his brothers came up on the train. We made some great memories, surrounded by family; it was a weekend filled with love and laughter. Throughout the years  we spent a lot of days and nights “driving nowhere”, getting stuck, feeding cows, swimming in the dirty old swimming hole,  driving the tractor, playing cards, maybe having the odd drink; no matter what you were doing, it was always right where you wanted to be!  

He was a great friend to me and he was my first true love. I will forever be grateful for the time I was able to spend with him. 

For years he visited me in my dreams, we would go off together happy to be reunited.  I would see that big beautiful smile of his and he would tell me that he was back, I was always so happy to see him, they were always such nice dreams – until I would wake up and realize it wasn't real. Then one day, I met him in my dreams, it was our usual happy reunion, he asked me to go with him and I told him I couldn’t, I told him I loved him but this wasn’t real, that he was dead and I had met a man I loved and I couldn’t leave him. Like all the other dreams he visited me in, I woke up from that one crying, but I also felt better. I felt like I was ok, I felt like I had finally let go, and I knew that I probably wasn’t going to be seeing him in my dreams anymore. I have only met up with him in my dreams once since then; I still think of him often – only now it is almost always with a smile. 

So, tomorrow, on the ten year anniversary of his death I will think of the good times and remind myself that everything that has happened in my life has brought me to where I am, this incredible place I could never have imagined……especially ten years ago.